Plumbing the Depths of Resilience: Grit, Self-Compassion and Values

I wasn’t the best high school student, but I wasn’t the worst, either. I was inclined toward conscientiousness because I didn’t like to get in trouble with teachers and parents. I didn’t put in my best effort but was a solid B student. My high school, Sacred Heart, had one guidance counselor – a Christian Brother – who had a serious dislike for me because I had a boyfriend who attended the public school and who would occasionally trespass onto Sacred Heart’s property to have lunch with me in the schoolyard. Brother Kevin was quite disturbed by our lunching together and threatened to tell my parents. I remember telling him that I understood if he felt he needed to (early signs of a career as a psychotherapist). Turns out, he never did. (By the way, this boyfriend is now my husband of almost 39 years.)

But, back to the story…when it came time to think about college, I visited Brother Kevin’s office where he very convincingly told me that I was “not college material.” He suggested secretarial school which I agreed would be the best fit for me. Truth is, I spent many years working in law firms, and had a respectable professional career in that field. But, when I was in my 20s, I decided to take one college class to see if I could even pass it. To my surprise, I got an A. I began to take 2 or 3 classes at a time and got As!

I enrolled in an associate’s degree program to become a paralegal and ended up in the honor society. Thereafter, I transferred to Iona College where I obtained my bachelor’s degree in business administration, all while working full time in law firms. From there, I went to law school for a year but decided I was not cut out for it and later went to graduate school to become a clinical social worker. It took 16 years from the first toe dip into college level classes at age 23 to graduating from Fordham University’s Graduate School of Social Service with an MSW and honors at age 39. There were distractions and obstacles along the way, but I was determined to follow my dream of becoming a psychotherapist. Although it took some time, I believe I’ve discovered my calling. I have been a psychotherapist for over 21 years and have not looked back.

So what’s the point?

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress.” Resilience implies being able to bounce back. Truthfully, this definition feels a little too simplistic given the nature of trauma. For many people, trauma is not a one-time event but a long term, chronic series of events such as being exposed to addictions in parents, sexual/physical/emotional abuse, mental illness in a family, poverty, being bullied, or the result of the death of a close family member. These are episodes that are very often more difficult to bounce back from.

Interestingly, the Kauai Study was a longitudinal study that began in 1955 under the direction of researchers, Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith. In this study, Werner and Smith followed 698 children born in 1955 on the island of Kauai over a 40-year period. Of this cohort, 129 children were identified as high risk for future problems because they were exposed to four or more adversities at birth including many of the long-term traumas described above. An interesting result of the study was that 2/3 of the 129 did go on to have a lifetime of difficulties including delinquency, early pregnancy, lack of education, and underemployment. Alternatively, 1/3 of the high risk group fared pretty well despite exposures to long-term trauma.

What made the difference for these 43 children? The Kauai Study determined that they were able to problem solve; they had an inner locus of control (or inner direction); they had emotional support from people outside of their families; they were social; and they were autonomous (able to work on their own). Bottom line: they had grit.

There is some very interesting research by a psychologist, Angela Duckworth, on grit. She defines grit as passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. High IQ is not necessarily an indicator of success in life. In my psychotherapy practice, I have seen many people with high IQs who do not perform well in school, in the work force, and in the world. Grit might just be a better engine of social mobility than talent and high IQ. Duckworth notes that finding something you are passionate about, practicing it a lot, and developing a sense of higher purpose – what I’m doing will improve the world in some way – all contribute to grit. In my book, grit is very much related to effort, resilience and values.

I define values as what we want from ourselves, what’s important to us. Values are the ideals our lives stand for. Values are different from goals because goals are things we can tick off a list: graduate from college [check – a goal]; use my skills toward the emotional, physical and spiritual healing of others [a value – this is ongoing and something that I aspire to on a daily basis throughout my life]. When we have clarity about what we value, it contributes to motivation.

I read a great quote the other day: “When your WHY isn’t big enough, your excuses will be!” Alternatively, when your WHY is big enough, you will have the motivation to press through difficulties and obstacles because you can see the end game, the bigger picture. When one has a road map to valued domains of life and living, one tends to have more clarity and stick-to-itiveness with regard to why they are doing a very hard thing. Values are also related to purpose and meaning in life. The closer we live to our aspirational values, the more authentically we live our lives. It’s very freeing to say I value honesty, for example, and to live as closely as I can to that value. The closer I live to it, the more genuine my life feels. Now, of course, there are days that one can veer far from the path, and I do! But, I dust myself off, give myself a hug, and get back on the path. It’s a practice, for sure! That brings me to self-compassion.

Other interesting research on self-compassion vs. self-esteem by psychologist, Kristen Neff, indicates that self-compassion encourages resilience much more than self-esteem does, as self-esteem is based on performance while self-compassion is a way one relates to oneself. A shortcoming of self-esteem is that it promotes perfectionism which inhibits resilience. For example, if a perfectionist makes a mistake, the likelihood of sticking with the activity is hindered for fear of the consequence of failing – shame.

Perfectionism is different from high achieving as perfectionistic behaviors are usually performed to satisfy external forces (teachers, parents, partners, or anyone else with expectations of us). High achieving is working diligently for the satisfaction of performing our best in a situation and being able to loosely hold onto the outcome as we have satisfaction in knowing we’ve given it our all. [For those yoga folks in the audience: Bhagavad Gita 101 – do your best, Arjuna, and let go of the outcome of your effort!]

The energy of perfectionism is very different from the energy of high achieving. According to Brene’ Brown, perfectionism and shame researcher, “perfectionism is a way of thinking that says: ‘If I look perfect, live perfect, and work perfect, I can minimize criticism, blame and ridicule…All perfectionism is, is a 20-ton shield that we carry around hoping that it will keep us from being hurt.’”

Carol Dweck, a researcher from Stanford University, found that when people are taught about the brain’s ability to grow and change [the growth mindset], and they have the belief that their ability to learn is not fixed, their effort to learn will increase. Dr. Dweck found from her research that the brain grows and changes in response to challenge. When we know this, we are much more likely to persevere when we fail. There is the knowledge that failure is not a permanent condition. As noted above, self- esteem diminishes when we fail but this is precisely where self-compassion steps in and helps us up, dusts us off, gives us a hug and tells us, “You’re okay, darlin’. Keep going!”

All in all, I am very grateful for Brother Kevin, who unwittingly helped to activate my grittiness and my desire to test out the growth mindset – even though I had no idea that was what was happening. Looking forward, my intention for 2018 is to continue to manifest and practice passion and persevere in those things I value. I intend to practice more self-compassion when I fail. As I now know, self-compassion will help me to find the grit and resilience to dust myself off and keep taking steps on my journey.